1-900-HUSTLER Funk It Up Edition: How Do I Tell a Coworker She Stinks?

Dear CH,

I don't know how to put this so I'm just going to say it - my coworker stinks.  She's funky.  

She's a sweet girl but she smells and everybody in the office is talking about it.  I've somehow been designated the person who has to bring it up to her and I don't know what to say!  If it helps, she's from another country and it seems like she maybe doesn't use deodorant.  Her job requires her to be out and about visiting some of our other sites pretty regularly and on those days, when she finally comes into the office, she's ripe.

Help!  What do I say?  How do I tell her she's funky without hurting her feelings?

From,

Holding My Nose

You wanna know what?  This is wayyyyyy too common.  You are not even close to the first person who has had to tell a colleague, coworker or team member that they are funky.  And this needs to stop.  Hustlers, if you're reading this, make sure you are clean and smell appropriate.  If you're not sure, hop in the shower, swipe on some extra deodorant and give yourself an extra spritz of perfume or cologne.  This funky madness has got to stop!

Rant over.  

Now, to answer the question at hand.  

Holding, I'm not sure how you got roped into the person to tell her that she smells, but since you seem to have accepted your fate, I'm going to assume that this coworker doesn't have a manager present that you feel comfortable passing this off to.  If she does, avail yourself of that option.  Managers are paid more to deal with the sticky situations.  If you don't want to embarrass her or are committed to delivering this message, then here's what I'd do.

Do It In Private

I fully believe in "praise in public, criticize in private."  Any conversations that are the slightest bit awkward, critical or potentially tough on the other person should happen one on one.  

Since you two are peers and you do not have management responsibility for her, try to keep it informal.  Invite her to lunch or coffee.  Get out of the office, away from prying ears.  This way, when you deliver this "you're funky" message, it comes across as helpful advice from a friend and not an official reprimand.  

Tip YOUR Manager Off Beforehand

You're giving a peer some potentially hurtful feedback.  She could take it well or she could think you are hazing, harassing or bullying her.  Let your manager know in advance what you are planning to say and when.  Ask for any tips or potential issues with your plan.  

This protects you in case it doesn't go well and gets your manager on your side from the outset.  This person may also take the issue off your plate and want to handle him or herself.  

Focus On The Impact

When giving someone tough criticism that can potentially be taken personally, focus on the impact it has on the work or the team, NOT what you personally feel.  It's not about the fact that her musty makes your eyes water when she walks past your desk.  

The reason her BO is a problem is because it's taking away from her effectiveness and professionalism.  

Be Kind

There's no way to tiptoe around saying that someone stinks, so walk into it with as much kindness and compassion for her as you can.  Understand that no matter how awkward it will be for you to say it, it will be ten times worse to hear it.  To be told, as an adult, that she stinks.  

From your letter, you say that other people in the office have noticed.  DO NOT tell her that.  Imagine not only being told that you smell, but being told that you smell, everyone noticed it and then also talked about it amongst themselves.  Mortifying.  Keep that bit of info to yourself.  It doesn't help soften the blow and serves no purpose. 

Sheila, this is incredibly awkward for me to tell you, but I've noticed that when you come back from being out on your site visits, you sometimes have a bit of a body odor.  It's something that can be hard for people to notice about themselves, but you've been doing such a great job that I wanted to mention this to you.  I would never want something small like this to take away from the great results you've been getting.  

Respond Accordingly

If she's mortified and wants to escape, let her.  If she asks for more info or tips, offer them.  If she's angry, stay calm.  Remember, she just heard someone tell her that she smells bad.

Once you get back to the office, behave as you normally would.  If you detect awkwardness from her, give her some space for a few days.  

Accept that this will be an incredibly awkward exchange but make it easier on you by covering your bases beforehand and make it easier on her by being as kind as you can.  

Write me back and let me know what happened!