Stop Saying "I'm Not Here to Make Friends" - Because You Are!

Any fan of reality competition shows will tell you that there are always a few usual suspects.   Whether you're watching people turn cheetos, breastmilk and week old bologna into five course meals or perfectly toned, beautiful people compete for questionable work "contracts," you can always count on some familiar character tropes in every single show.  There's always an ingenue, naive to big city life and underqualified but adorable and cute.  There's always one that parties way too hard, gets way too drunk and does something completely inappropriate.  And, there's always a villian.  A total jerk, that no one likes, and who makes life just that much more horrible for everyone they encounter. 

That villain will always, at some point in the season, say the same thing when called out on their generally jerkfaced ways - "I'm not here to make friends."  

Ugh.  I'm annoyed just typing it.  

Besides the fact that it is so trite and common that you know the producers are probably behind the camera holding up cue cards, I see young professionals of color adopting this type of mentality.  I can't think of anything more dangerous than this faulty thought process.  In case you've adopted this mindset, and have defaulted to coming in, getting your work done and trying to pay your coworkers no mind, I'm here to tell you to stop.  

You are absolutely there to make friends.  And anyone who tells you the opposite is telling you wrong.  

Your ability to fit in combined with the quality of your work will be the thing that determines your future and the progress of your career.  It doesn't matter how smart you are or how great your results are, there will come a point where you will stop progressing if the rest of your team and your management doesn't believe you are a good fit for the organization.  That's when you'll start to hear comments like "she's smart but I'm not sure she really 'gets it.'"  Or "I don't know if he really wants to be here."  All of that is code for he or she is not like us.  And that's not what you want.  

So how do you make friends at work?  Especially in a workplace where your peers and leaders may not look like you or have very much in common with you. 

Start During The Interview

Be as focused on fit during the interview as you are on the fundamentals of their jobs.  When you’re interviewing, ask yourself "can I take being with this person 8-9 hours per day?  Would I want to travel with this team to a remote city?  Do I feel comfortable sharing the details of my life (i.e. my family, my friends, my background) with these people? Can I bring my full self to this place everyday?"

If the answer is no, consider honing in on places where you could say yes.  Along with that, realize that as a person of color, you will likely have to bend to meet the majority in your given office or environment more than they will have to meet yours.  So find a place where it doesn’t feel like a chore.  

Figure Out What Bonds People

Every team and company has its own culture and that's typically determined by the things people choose to bond over.  During your first few days on the job, look around take a general census on the life stage of your coworkers.  If you are significantly younger than your team, you can probably expect people to talk and bond over more domestic topics - kids, pets, house, family stuff.  If the team is young, it'll probably be topics like dating, traveling, and pop culture.  

Then, listen in on the water cooler convos to see what people are chit chatting about.  Figure out what the commonalities are that bond them and connect with them on that level.  This is how you cement the fact that you fit in this environment and also start to build personal bonds that have nothing to do with the work at hand.  

Share What You're Comfortable Sharing

People won't generally trust you if they feel like they don't know you.  So even if you are an intensely private person, crack the door open just a little bit and let people in on one small part of your life.  Of the things that really bond your coworkers, find one that resonates with you personally that you feel comfortable exposing, and share that.  

I once worked with a woman who was very, very private, but we both had dogs of the same breed.  We were always able to connect on that and build a rapport around our pets.  Despite the fact that I objectively knew very little about the rest of her life, it never impacted our ability to build a strong working relationship.  

Hustler Note - if your coworkers are older than you and frequently talk about their kids when you don't have them, DO NOT talk about your relationship with your parents or share stories from your childhood.  There's nothing wrong with this per se, but it will infantilize you in their eyes.  They're already older than you and by chiming in from the child's perspective, you just make them think of you as another kid they have to deal with, instead of as a peer.  If tales of kids dominate the casual conversations in your office, chime in with stories of a niece, nephew, little cousin or friend's kid.  If you don't have any small children in your life, be an eager listening ear and ask them more questions.  

Go To Happy Hour

Hear me clearly - if your team has a social event, you need to go.  Go to the happy hour.  Or the bowling night.  Or the group cycling class.  Or the apple picking field trip.  

I don't care if you have an appointment with your trainer, or if you don't like beer, or if you can't stand nary one of your coworkers.  Go. To. The. Social.  I have a small child and generally leave work earlier than the rest of my team to go pick him up.  But when we have an after work social event, I rearrange my pickup schedule to make sure that I'm there.  Why?

Because, this is where the bonds are formed.  For your first 3-6 months on the job, you need to be creating those bonds and cementing your relationships.  Go to the social events.  Even if it is the last thing you want to do, go.  And while you're there, don't take yourself too seriously.  See it as an opportunity to get to know people outside of the office and develop a personal relationship.  

If you routinely skip, you'll get the reputation as being anti-social and people will definitely start to resent you.  "She must think she's above dollar wing night."  "He thinks he's too good to hang with us."  That lands you right back into not like us territory.  

Don't be like a reality show contestant.  Make friends at work.  Find people you can connect with and make a conscious effort to develop a bond with them.  You never want to be the outsider, the one people think is not like the rest.  So don't be.