Say What Now? How to Handle an Offensive Comment at Work
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You're at work, doing your job, and doing it well. You've established your reputation within the team. You're generally well liked and have good relationships. Maybe you're in a team meeting on the next big project. Or maybe you're just in the office kitchen grabbing an afternoon snack.
And then, it happens.
Somebody says something racist. Or sexist. Or homophobic. Or just generally bigoted, ignorant and offensive.
It happens to all of us. Eventually. If it hasn't happened to you yet, hold tight, because unfortunately, it's coming.
This situation is challenging not just because you were minding your business and all of a sudden you're confronted with your "otherness" out of nowhere, feelings you don't generally keep at the surface are now bubbling up and over in an instant. But your response is loaded and fraught with hitting just the right balance.
Clap back and you're the angry black wo/man with a chip on their shoulder looking for a slight around every corner. Let it go and you're a sellout, an Uncle Tom, Steppin Fetchit just going along to get along. Come off like a lecturer and now you're a goody goody toeing the corporate line that nobody wants to share gossip with.
So what's a young hustler to do? You want this job, you were generally happy here, and maybe you even liked or respected the person who made this remark. But, you also are proud of who you are, what you represent and are simply not cool with that offensive shit.
You have two options on how to respond - now or later
Respond Now
In the moment, you have to be tempered and measured in your response. Blow up and the jerk who made the comment is instantly going to put it all back on you. "Chill out, it was just a joke, you're too sensitive." And the only thing that makes a rightfully angry person angrier is being told they're overreacting.
You have to know yourself to respond immediately. If you can stay calm, despite seething on the inside, then proceed.
What I generally like to do when confronted with ignorance, racism, sexism, or any -ism I don't rock with is very simple - play dumb.
Now I don't mean ignore. I mean truly play dumb. Act like you don't understand and force the person to explain. Don't laugh, don't smile, don't bely the fact that you know what's going on. Act like you're truly trying to understand their point.
"The discount appealed to his Jewish side?? I don't get it."*
At this point, being forced to explain a stereotype is normally enough to put the person on notice that what they just said is offensive. But just in case, they don't see the offense, keep going just a bit.
"Ohhh so you mean Jewish people are cheap? Well that's not funny Barry, that's offensive."
Again, if the person is not a complete dolt, that should be enough to produce a quick apology and agreement not to say things like that again. If you want to be super safe, you might want to have a quick word with your manager about it under the guise of "I'm not making an official complaint but wanted you to be aware of this exchange."
Respond Later
In the moment, you were too upset, too flustered or just too shocked to respond. But it's eating away at you and you definitely still want to say something. If you choose to respond later, you can, but you have to be measured in your response.
Chances are the offender isn't still thinking about what they said. They've moved on. Or completely forgotten what it was they said in the first place. This means they're likely to immediately be on the defensive and assume that you are taking things the wrong way or blowing them out of proportion.
In this situation, I recommend following the DESC approach for assertive communication -
- Describe the behavior - just the facts of what happened
- Explain the impact - to you personally or the team as a whole, use "I" but not "you"
- Stipulate the change you want
- lay out the Consequences - both positive and negative
This is what this looks like in action -
"Barry, when you made that comment yesterday about 'appealing to his Jewish side,' I was offended. Going forward, let's agree not to use offensive stereotypes when communicating with each other. This will make working together much more enjoyable for us both."
Now again, if you work with someone who is more ignorant than hateful, that should be enough. It focuses on the relationship between the two of you and your desire to keep that positive and above board.
If the person really is coming from a place of ill intent or a repeat offended, use stronger language and focus the impact on the team and workplace at large. This script also works when you escalate the issue to your management or HR.
"Barry, the comment yesterday about 'appealing to his Jewish side' was offensive and breeds a culture of alienation within the team. Can we agree that there is no place for offensive stereotypes here and refrain from using this kind of language in the future? Otherwise, I'll have to report this to HR."
Now you've let him know, "sucka I see you and I'm not here for it." If you take this firm of an approach, be prepared to make good on that promise and report it.
Also, CYA and create some sort of documented trail. Make a note of the day and time in a Word doc saved on your computer. If you have a trusted work friend or confidante, shoot them an email recapping what was discussed (give them the heads up in person first that it's just for documentation's sake, nobody wants to be roped into someone else's work drama).
Unfortunately, in most of our working lives, we'll have to deal with an idiot who says something completely offensive. Accept it, anticipate it and make sure you handle it like the true Hustler you are.
*Real life example btw. I worked in an office where someone was ballsy / dumb enough to say that out loud where others could hear. I wasn't around at the time so didn't hear it for myself but ended up checking the same person a few days later for an offensive remark about another group.
